Lost Relationships!
Feeling lost in your relationship? Are you struggling to feel love, connection and excitement when you see each other at the end of the day?
Do you Want to change that? Do you want to feel connected again and throw sparkle back into your love life?
You can start to make changes instantly if you follow these 5 tips.
But first, does this sound like your relationship?
You wake in the morning and it’s a quick “morning” or peck on the cheek like you’re kissing a frog, followed by getting ready for work. Both of you are rushing around, kids are driving you nuts, and you get upset with your spouse for leaving something for you to pick up (in your world, not theirs).
You both head to work (or one is staying home with little ones). The day is filled with everything but each other. No sexy text messages, no love notes, no’ lets try meet for lunch’. It is the daily grind.
Everybody wants your attention either at work or kids. The schedule is busy and the day flies by. With all that neediness from kids or co-workers, your batteries are running low. The list is endless (or so it seems). There are school runs, sport runs, dinner to be cooked and general cleaning /laundry to be done. You ask your partner what they want for dinner with “whatever you want” reply four days in a row. The loop continues.
Once you are both home, you again say ‘hi’ in a rushed manner, one of you talking too much about everything that has not been done or needs to be done. You both have different priorities, different realities of life. You both want down time but feel it is not allowed. Your partner heads to the couch to watch TV or decides to go for a run to feel good and clear their head. You, feel like you don’t have the same freedom. The same ability to do what you want as there is more to be done. You start resenting your partner for not doing more, being present or asking if you want to go for a run.
Your partner gets home to shrugs and grunts as you deal with their lack of care or responsibility. They act like they don’t understand why you are grumpy (again). They get grumpy or turn and walk away to avoid conflict. They feel they cannot do anything right. So, you both get busy doing something without connection or intimacy. You may fight over who’s turn it is to put kids to bed.
Once the kids are down, you head to the overflowing washing basket. Look at it with disgust and throw a glare at your other half. They ignore your glare and continue to fall asleep in front of the TV, while you sit there folding. Feeling tired, resentful and ignored.
Off to bed, where you are both dead tired and maybe still a little resentful, so no affection there! Or, maybe a grunt at a leg swing. Your partner knows there is no point trying to get sexy, as the rejections are too common and presumes you are not in the mood.
Meanwhile…… Your partner is feeling the same! More than likely, they are feeling less of a person, not understanding why you are always pissed at them that will turn to lose feeling. Not realising that their actions are affecting you or if they do, they don’t know why. They feel resentful towards YOU too. For not showing them any love or giving them time. Or asking them how they feel or how their day was. They too feel like they cannot make you happy, or feel they are doomed no matter what they do, so they go for a run, fall asleep on the couch, ignore the washing because in their world it is not important. But what is important in their world you don’t see. Just like they don’t see what is important in yours… see where we are going here?
What happened to that couple that couldn’t get enough of each other? Stopped to admire, play.
What happened to that couple that had sex nearly every day, cuddled on the couch and had each other’s back. What happened to THAT couple?
You can make every reason in the world. You can make every excuse in the world. You can blame the other, you can blame the kids entering the world. You can blame the mortgage; you can blame the weather… who cares!!
The reality is that you both let each other go. You both stopped communicating each other’s needs, started people pleasing too much for others. You started prioritising everything but your relationship. You both forgot to make time for just each other. You both forgot to complement each other. You both forgot to touch, kiss, play. You both forgot to give and receive. You both forgot to be present.
You both took each other’s presence for granted, while the expectations in the relationship grew. They grew big and did not get filled. Expectations cause failure and failure causes resentment.
Resentment hangs around like stinky fish in a green bin. It lingers, festers, moulds its way into the relationship to a point you forgot what you resent. But it’s there, and it’s not going anywhere.
So, what do we do about this situation? What effort does a couple need to go to? How can you revive the situation without if feeling like it’s hard work and just another chore?
Read on:
1. When you both get home, stop, look at each other and breathe. Nothing is more important than saying hello and giving each other some affection.
2. Kiss morning and night. Make it meaningful, playful, affectionate and passionate. Make this a habit.
3. Talk without judgement about each other’s day, listening without interrupting. This takes practice. Make sure you both feel heard.
4. Ask what you can prioritize for each other. Do for each other and understand what is important to both of you. If you both want a run at the end of the day, take it in turns, to look after kids, run, cook, clean.
5. Last but not least……. LET GO OF RESENTMENT! Not only are you hurting your partner, but you are hurting yourself. While you feel yucky, they are getting on with their day. Usually confused and resentful for your resentment. Not understanding how they always fail to please you.
These tips are just the tip of the iceberg which is looming below. There is more work to be done.
Article by:
Libby Finlayson
Coach, health & Relationships (copyright)
